Tuesday, October 17, 2006
When it rains...
We've had some really icky weather in the last two days and I think it has affected my way of thinking. I've been so down since late yesterday afternoon.
I've been thinking about my marriage and it's downfall. I met my spouse when I was 20. Well, I had just turned 20 actually. He was 31 and I thought we had it all together. While I was the dreamer and "less focused" of the two of us, I thought his stability was a nice balance. He had a college degree, was already in a career he liked and seemed like just what I needed.
In hindsight, I went about our relationship in the wrong way. He was my "savior" and I was ready for a new adventure. I realize now that even then he made demands in our relationship and I just went along for the ride. I thought it was neat to have someone make decisions for me. That quickly grew old.
I remember many times he would do something nice for me and I'd melt. Then suddenly (it seemed like around 3-4 years into our marriage) he seemed to change. He grew more harsh and less inclined to do "nice things". He's never been the type of person to send flowers but just a few times a year would be nice. Letters? Cards? *sigh*
I really don't expect big things. Just small thoughts, a tender touch, a kind word, encouragement.
We grew apart. Suddenly I realize that I don't need someone telling me what I can and can't do. I need a partner. Someone that listens, holds me and supports me while I do the same for them. It's sad to see 18 years of marriage disappear over harsh words, broken hearts and a baseball bat.
I never thought he'd hit me. Now I know to expect the unexpected. I'm not sure I'll ever trust someone again.
Especially myself. I'm not sure my judgement is sound at this stage in life.
I've been thinking about my marriage and it's downfall. I met my spouse when I was 20. Well, I had just turned 20 actually. He was 31 and I thought we had it all together. While I was the dreamer and "less focused" of the two of us, I thought his stability was a nice balance. He had a college degree, was already in a career he liked and seemed like just what I needed.
In hindsight, I went about our relationship in the wrong way. He was my "savior" and I was ready for a new adventure. I realize now that even then he made demands in our relationship and I just went along for the ride. I thought it was neat to have someone make decisions for me. That quickly grew old.
I remember many times he would do something nice for me and I'd melt. Then suddenly (it seemed like around 3-4 years into our marriage) he seemed to change. He grew more harsh and less inclined to do "nice things". He's never been the type of person to send flowers but just a few times a year would be nice. Letters? Cards? *sigh*
I really don't expect big things. Just small thoughts, a tender touch, a kind word, encouragement.
We grew apart. Suddenly I realize that I don't need someone telling me what I can and can't do. I need a partner. Someone that listens, holds me and supports me while I do the same for them. It's sad to see 18 years of marriage disappear over harsh words, broken hearts and a baseball bat.
I never thought he'd hit me. Now I know to expect the unexpected. I'm not sure I'll ever trust someone again.
Especially myself. I'm not sure my judgement is sound at this stage in life.
# posted by Paula @ 6:26 AM 
