Tuesday, October 17, 2006
When it rains...
We've had some really icky weather in the last two days and I think it has affected my way of thinking. I've been so down since late yesterday afternoon.
I've been thinking about my marriage and it's downfall. I met my spouse when I was 20. Well, I had just turned 20 actually. He was 31 and I thought we had it all together. While I was the dreamer and "less focused" of the two of us, I thought his stability was a nice balance. He had a college degree, was already in a career he liked and seemed like just what I needed.
In hindsight, I went about our relationship in the wrong way. He was my "savior" and I was ready for a new adventure. I realize now that even then he made demands in our relationship and I just went along for the ride. I thought it was neat to have someone make decisions for me. That quickly grew old.
I remember many times he would do something nice for me and I'd melt. Then suddenly (it seemed like around 3-4 years into our marriage) he seemed to change. He grew more harsh and less inclined to do "nice things". He's never been the type of person to send flowers but just a few times a year would be nice. Letters? Cards? *sigh*
I really don't expect big things. Just small thoughts, a tender touch, a kind word, encouragement.
We grew apart. Suddenly I realize that I don't need someone telling me what I can and can't do. I need a partner. Someone that listens, holds me and supports me while I do the same for them. It's sad to see 18 years of marriage disappear over harsh words, broken hearts and a baseball bat.
I never thought he'd hit me. Now I know to expect the unexpected. I'm not sure I'll ever trust someone again.
Especially myself. I'm not sure my judgement is sound at this stage in life.
I've been thinking about my marriage and it's downfall. I met my spouse when I was 20. Well, I had just turned 20 actually. He was 31 and I thought we had it all together. While I was the dreamer and "less focused" of the two of us, I thought his stability was a nice balance. He had a college degree, was already in a career he liked and seemed like just what I needed.
In hindsight, I went about our relationship in the wrong way. He was my "savior" and I was ready for a new adventure. I realize now that even then he made demands in our relationship and I just went along for the ride. I thought it was neat to have someone make decisions for me. That quickly grew old.
I remember many times he would do something nice for me and I'd melt. Then suddenly (it seemed like around 3-4 years into our marriage) he seemed to change. He grew more harsh and less inclined to do "nice things". He's never been the type of person to send flowers but just a few times a year would be nice. Letters? Cards? *sigh*
I really don't expect big things. Just small thoughts, a tender touch, a kind word, encouragement.
We grew apart. Suddenly I realize that I don't need someone telling me what I can and can't do. I need a partner. Someone that listens, holds me and supports me while I do the same for them. It's sad to see 18 years of marriage disappear over harsh words, broken hearts and a baseball bat.
I never thought he'd hit me. Now I know to expect the unexpected. I'm not sure I'll ever trust someone again.
Especially myself. I'm not sure my judgement is sound at this stage in life.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Reflecting...
Sometimes I wonder if having a blog is a good thing. You post your thoughts and feelings online where just anyone can read them. But then I look back and read some of the posts and I think to myself, "Ah ha... now I see where I was and why I'm here now."
I'm 38 years old and starting over with my life. Well, in some ways I'm starting over... mentally especially. My children and I are looking for a new place to live, I'm seeking a more steady income in order to provide for my kids and I'm trying to discover the person that I am. Or perhaps the person that I was. I got lost somewhere being a wife and mom I think. I became a roommate.
Welp, my today is here...
I've lost 90 pounds and people that haven't seen me in awhile are stunned. I saw a client yesterday and she just stood there with her mouth hanging open. She said, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???" At first I thought she was talking about my hair. HAHAHA I do tend to change it on a whim. But she was talking about my newish body. It was so nice to hear too because I simply don't see the changes yet. She said, "There's half of you!" :) What a great feeling.
Working on the body.
Next is the mind and soul.
I'm 38 years old and starting over with my life. Well, in some ways I'm starting over... mentally especially. My children and I are looking for a new place to live, I'm seeking a more steady income in order to provide for my kids and I'm trying to discover the person that I am. Or perhaps the person that I was. I got lost somewhere being a wife and mom I think. I became a roommate.
Welp, my today is here...
I've lost 90 pounds and people that haven't seen me in awhile are stunned. I saw a client yesterday and she just stood there with her mouth hanging open. She said, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???" At first I thought she was talking about my hair. HAHAHA I do tend to change it on a whim. But she was talking about my newish body. It was so nice to hear too because I simply don't see the changes yet. She said, "There's half of you!" :) What a great feeling.
Working on the body.
Next is the mind and soul.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Moving Forward...
I thought I would post on the subject, moving forward. I've been preaching that for years but haven't actually practiced it overly much. *laughing* Okay, I have in 75% of the cases but my own personal life hasn't been very "forward" lately.
Moving forward is very important in life. First of all, it is very obvious that when you wake up each morning that you can't possibly go back to the day before, right? It's the forward movement of life. Yet so many people seem to dwell on the yesterdays and they don't attempt to take a step towards their tomorrow.
I was talking to my sister today. She ended a relationship a couple of years ago that she'd been in for many years. It was difficult. And she didn't end it in the best of ways, which she would admit to. What strikes me as unique in her situation is that she and her ex are still friendly to each other. Oh trust me, you'd probably never see them eating dinner together. But they do email to check on each other and I think if one needed the other, they'd contact. Anyway, one of the things she mentioned that was the hardest for her was the "planning of tomorrow". Friends would mention that they'd be going on vacation in a few months time and she was having difficulties living for today, much less tomorrow.
As I face the fact that my life has taken a dramatic turn, I realize that I can only do what is best for me today. Sure, I would love to visit Oklahoma. I'd like to travel and see the world but that wasn't happening two weeks ago and it's not happening right now. I will move forward by simply going day to day. I will strive to improve myself, inside and out. I will become a better Mom and friend to myself.
Forward movement ~ Powerful Strength Within
Moving forward is very important in life. First of all, it is very obvious that when you wake up each morning that you can't possibly go back to the day before, right? It's the forward movement of life. Yet so many people seem to dwell on the yesterdays and they don't attempt to take a step towards their tomorrow.
I was talking to my sister today. She ended a relationship a couple of years ago that she'd been in for many years. It was difficult. And she didn't end it in the best of ways, which she would admit to. What strikes me as unique in her situation is that she and her ex are still friendly to each other. Oh trust me, you'd probably never see them eating dinner together. But they do email to check on each other and I think if one needed the other, they'd contact. Anyway, one of the things she mentioned that was the hardest for her was the "planning of tomorrow". Friends would mention that they'd be going on vacation in a few months time and she was having difficulties living for today, much less tomorrow.
As I face the fact that my life has taken a dramatic turn, I realize that I can only do what is best for me today. Sure, I would love to visit Oklahoma. I'd like to travel and see the world but that wasn't happening two weeks ago and it's not happening right now. I will move forward by simply going day to day. I will strive to improve myself, inside and out. I will become a better Mom and friend to myself.
Forward movement ~ Powerful Strength Within
