If Not Today, Then When?

We've had some really icky weather in the last two days and I think it has affected my way of thinking. I've been so down since late yesterday afternoon.

I've been thinking about my marriage and it's downfall. I met my spouse when I was 20. Well, I had just turned 20 actually. He was 31 and I thought we had it all together. While I was the dreamer and "less focused" of the two of us, I thought his stability was a nice balance. He had a college degree, was already in a career he liked and seemed like just what I needed.

In hindsight, I went about our relationship in the wrong way. He was my "savior" and I was ready for a new adventure. I realize now that even then he made demands in our relationship and I just went along for the ride. I thought it was neat to have someone make decisions for me. That quickly grew old.

I remember many times he would do something nice for me and I'd melt. Then suddenly (it seemed like around 3-4 years into our marriage) he seemed to change. He grew more harsh and less inclined to do "nice things". He's never been the type of person to send flowers but just a few times a year would be nice. Letters? Cards? *sigh*

I really don't expect big things. Just small thoughts, a tender touch, a kind word, encouragement.

We grew apart. Suddenly I realize that I don't need someone telling me what I can and can't do. I need a partner. Someone that listens, holds me and supports me while I do the same for them. It's sad to see 18 years of marriage disappear over harsh words, broken hearts and a baseball bat.

I never thought he'd hit me. Now I know to expect the unexpected. I'm not sure I'll ever trust someone again.

Especially myself. I'm not sure my judgement is sound at this stage in life.

Sometimes I wonder if having a blog is a good thing. You post your thoughts and feelings online where just anyone can read them. But then I look back and read some of the posts and I think to myself, "Ah ha... now I see where I was and why I'm here now."

I'm 38 years old and starting over with my life. Well, in some ways I'm starting over... mentally especially. My children and I are looking for a new place to live, I'm seeking a more steady income in order to provide for my kids and I'm trying to discover the person that I am. Or perhaps the person that I was. I got lost somewhere being a wife and mom I think. I became a roommate.

Welp, my today is here...

I've lost 90 pounds and people that haven't seen me in awhile are stunned. I saw a client yesterday and she just stood there with her mouth hanging open. She said, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???" At first I thought she was talking about my hair. HAHAHA I do tend to change it on a whim. But she was talking about my newish body. It was so nice to hear too because I simply don't see the changes yet. She said, "There's half of you!" :) What a great feeling.

Working on the body.

Next is the mind and soul.

I thought I would post on the subject, moving forward. I've been preaching that for years but haven't actually practiced it overly much. *laughing* Okay, I have in 75% of the cases but my own personal life hasn't been very "forward" lately.

Moving forward is very important in life. First of all, it is very obvious that when you wake up each morning that you can't possibly go back to the day before, right? It's the forward movement of life. Yet so many people seem to dwell on the yesterdays and they don't attempt to take a step towards their tomorrow.

I was talking to my sister today. She ended a relationship a couple of years ago that she'd been in for many years. It was difficult. And she didn't end it in the best of ways, which she would admit to. What strikes me as unique in her situation is that she and her ex are still friendly to each other. Oh trust me, you'd probably never see them eating dinner together. But they do email to check on each other and I think if one needed the other, they'd contact. Anyway, one of the things she mentioned that was the hardest for her was the "planning of tomorrow". Friends would mention that they'd be going on vacation in a few months time and she was having difficulties living for today, much less tomorrow.

As I face the fact that my life has taken a dramatic turn, I realize that I can only do what is best for me today. Sure, I would love to visit Oklahoma. I'd like to travel and see the world but that wasn't happening two weeks ago and it's not happening right now. I will move forward by simply going day to day. I will strive to improve myself, inside and out. I will become a better Mom and friend to myself.

Forward movement ~ Powerful Strength Within

After having such a fun weekend with my WIAP buddies, I am almost dreading going back to my dull and boring life. :) It's a sad state of affairs, I tell ya.

Expecting a couple of things this week that will keep me going. My all time favorite low calorie salad dressing should arrive today. Yes, it takes so little but this stuff is FANTASTIC and I can only get it by mail order here. Plus I'm waiting on my BL paperwork in order to qualify for the contest so I'm anxious for that. Especially since my vehicle is finally puffing along at a pace that is scary. It's never good when you can't rely on your vehicle to get you across the state so you have to rent a car. OH WELL!!! Story of my life. But hey, I DO know a great car salesman in West Tennessee so I can just visit my little tribe mate again and get a car while I'm at it. :)

Not much else going on. I have to work Wed, Thurs and Fri morning, although my buddy DivaE is having her 21st birthday on Thursday and THAT should be a blast. What on earth do you get a gal that is turning 21?? Besides the obvious. *laughing*

Planning a trip to Georgia around the 7th. I promise, I don't normally go outside my little comfort zone but lately I've had the itch. So I'll be heading out that direction for a day or so, then heading to Huntsville Alabama and possibly a few other places. Kids are out of school on Friday and Monday of that weekend so why not. Gonna stop by and visit my lovely Mom, who should be a pack member if she could only figure out the internet. HAHAHA Plus she went and got married to the love of her life (too bad his family isn't, but that's another story) so she probably can't relate to the pack-dom on most days. She's still in the honeymoon phase! Ewwwwww!

Welp, guess I better close. Time to do the "kid / school" thing and get motivated to clean this nasty @ss house. Lovely!

Egads, I am certainly ready for one! Work is driving me totally insane, family is not on the top of my list and it's time for a meeting of the "ladies" minds! Only thing better than a road trip is a FEMALE ONLY roadtrip! Yeeeeeeeeehaw!!!!!!!!!!

So packed last night and heading out in a few. Hope the weather holds up as I see it's storming where I'm going. Luckily not even a little bit of rain can stop me.

... I am just so tired today.

I was reading a recent blog by my dear friend jai. She's had conflict brought into her life by others around her and she's FED UP. Damn if I can't relate. I'm tired of conflict. I'm tired of negative attitudes. Those types of personalities just bring you down and it has finally brought me to the brink of exploding.

My spouse has been away on a business trip.

My son's baseball coach from last summer was almost murdered on Monday night -- right in front of his 10 year old son. Unfortunately, the son had to witness the deaths of his grandfather, grandmother and maternal grandfather at the same time. This all happened at the local "community park" where my son now plays football. Last night he had a scrimmage scheduled but I didn't take him because I ASSUMED they'd not play where news cameras were rolling, blood was still on the ground where people had died and nerves were on edge. I called the football coordinator to ask if they'd moved the event somewhere else... no answer. Left a message. No response. I am sick to death of idiots that just go about their business and don't care about others. We never, ever get a phone call when things are changed or moved around. It's like we don't exist.

So I start son on homework, which usually takes us 3 hours to do. I tell him over 6 times to sit down and start on it. He wants to wait until his Father comes home from his trip to help him. I warn him, "He will be tired and irritated. Do it now." Son doesn't listen. Husband arrives, see's homework isn't done and immediately goes into temper overload. I go to bed at 11, listening to "You stupid sh*t, do this problem. Are you a fool?"

And guess what? I wake up to that crap again this morning at 6:15 because he woke the son up to do it all over again.

Even better, stupid husband puts his money underneath a piece of paper. When he can't find it this morning, he accuses the son of stealing his money.

Just another example of STUPID people that shouldn't have had children.

GROW UP!

So... I hopefully have a closing today and I can pay off some of my debt. I have taken care of that cc issue by paying it off with another cc I have BUT I am going to pay THAT off with this closing check. So hopefully I will be able to move forward from that.

I'm still going to exercise three times a week. I've lost 6 inches in my waist since last month but haven't lost weight. It gets discouraging but at least I can tell a difference in the way my clothes are fitting. So that's good!!

Things in the household are still the same. My house looks horrific (especially since I've been busy trying to get things done in my business this week) but I'm at a point where I could care less. I got upset with them last weekend, pitched a fit and they actually helped pick up. That ended when the "fit" ended. The middle child is failing two of his classes... yes, already. I then found out that he just "forgot" to mention certain projects that were due. TWO WEEKS AGO!!! So now we are playing catch up. Always something with that kid.

Guess that's my update for this week. I'll try and do better....

Yep, it has been 7 days since I last posted on here. Just been a crazy week.

I had clients come in from Chicago. They wanted to look at several places for a bed/breakfast or inn. So I spent two days searching for that and then writing up contracts for others. I have a client that was all gung ho to purchase a lot, we went into negotiating things, agreed on a price and now they are "thinking". I'm about ready to pull my hair out. Then I watched the Million Dollar agents show the other day and got disgusted. *laughing* It's not easy seeing those selfish twits (I mean really, you'd lose a $130,000 commission over minor repairs?????) go about their business and complain. I'm working like a mad man on a $52,000 DEAL (um, that doesn't reflect my commission of $1100 or so).

Well heck, gotta run get lunch. I'll post more shortly...